.silent rob.

( this was seriously pointless. )

patti and me just got back from a tour of su which wasn't so bad. its kinda small and kinda boring but it wasnt so bad. well the last part wasnt so bad. we met with an admissions counselor who said that my grades werent the greatest but su is kinda a step up from a junior college so they have latitude, thats what he said. latitude. especially since ive had thelmas and have been so good there and now this asg senator thing.

i could go to college. su but su is still a college and id be in college.


whos gonna write me letters of rec? does theo count?

all of this research about what people can do post high school has got me thinking about what the hell im going to do. lauren and i still talk about being toll booth operators but i think i want more than that. no. i know i do. but what am i good at? im good at, i dont even know what im good at. well im kinda good at cutting through peoples bullshit and i dont rush people and i understand people who are going through hard times because of mine. but i dont think id be a very good counselor or anything like that, at least i dont think. and dont you need a phd for that? i dont want to do that. ill become a kindergarten teacher. scare the shit outta the kids and make them behave. heh.

i dont even know if my grades are good enough to get into college at all.

i dont know what ill do. but i know what i dont want to do. i just dont know if i can avoid it.

ive been working on stuff for asg since i gotta get this program going and really soon. i gotta talk to the guidance counselors to see what theyve got already on noncollege shit, but ive been looking up community colleges and vocational schools and stuff like that. i guess its just now me calling them. i guess i have to ask melissa if it would be better to do more of a seminar and give out a packet of info or have an alternative job fair. i dunno. i dunno if i would have gone to a job fair. a seminar that got me out of class tho sure. ill ask.

i mean shit. look at that. ive always worked hard at thelmas but people dont really see that or care. but school stuff i havent given a crap about and then i do and i avoid summer school and im now planning some super huge big thing. yeah.

if i can do all this i think i can kiss a girl that i think is hot. yeah.

watchmen comes out on dvd tomorrow. i am not as excited as i was for dark knight but close enough. i got theo ready to go to best buy in the morning and everything but i guess i didnt expect to want to see it so bad with carly.

shes hot. shes kind of weird sometimes but shes nice and fun and her hair is like a million slinkies.

i dont know. shes hot.

i wonder if i should ask ashley what to do.

melissa posted up about asg shit already. it wouldnt be a bad idea to work on that starting now and get a head start and hit the ground running and all of that.

and other than work i got plenty of time for it. since i dont have to go to summer school this year.

god that felt so good to write. i did good enough to not go to summer school for the first time in two years. i did it.

basketball and then asg and now this. good shit. good shit.

im seventeen but i dont feel older. i felt older and more mature when i made the jv team. i guess theres a point in your life when birthdays dont tell the whole story of how you grow. i think this year ive aged five years. that makes me 21. if i drank id be a party.

drinking. theo. i dont know what to do. is he spiraling out of control? or is he just moping? but if he was just moping for rachel wouldnt that be over by now?

i feel guilty. i feel like i care about my life again and now theo doesnt care about his. or maybe im wrong. but i think i have to talk to him to know.

this weird part of me thinks that i should run for student council because i think that there are kids like me who need more direction and help and dont get it and maybe i should make sure that we do. then the rest of me tells that part to stfu. i think im going to go to the gym and work on my hook shot since our aau summer season starts workouts in two weeks and i dont want to be that guy whos rusty.

i care about that. go fig.

maybe this is the year that i give a shit enough to learn how to drive.

how do you become more than you are when you arent sure what you want? i like basketball. i like comics. and i like doing good at my job. i don't know what that means for me but i know i want more than just being stuck.

its good though. that i want more. i havent in so long so that should be something but i want more than just wanting more.

ive seen watchmen so many times now that the movie theatre people dont even ask what movie im going to.

theo says this is lame.

theos a jealous bitch.

i think i should take him and laur and ashley again but alone so that they can better appreciate it with me able to point stuff out and explain stuff. reading the book along with the movie really enhanced the experience. hard to read in the dark though.

tonight ill bring a flashlight.

yesterday malik asked me if id want to join his aau team. they need a point guard and i did good on jv so he asked. im gonna do it. its kinda nice now. back in middle school everybody just expected me to be good and there was all of this pressure to be some popular stud dude. now no matter what i do im the piercing emo guy and it doesnt matter how good i get thats just my role. and i like that a lot better. its not me but i dont know who me is but this role lets me figure it out better. i guess ill find out.

watchmen is in a week. if i said i was excited i would be lying. i am going to skip school to camp out at the movie theatre starting on thursday i think. maybe friday way early. depends. i know theo will go with me. do i invite lauren? things have been better with her lately. almost normal. i miss her as my friend. i miss her a lot. i dont know why things went so bad so quick and i know i dont want that again. but i want my friend laur back. maybe watchmen will bring us all together.

i hope they dont mind if i go dressed up at rorschach.

basketball's done. last game was today.

im really glad i did this. but rite now i am just zoned.

but im really really glad.

do i get my friendswhoaregirls flowers for vday. such a stupid holiday. but i dont want them to think that i dont care and i dont want them to not get flowers. but its lame.

and if i get one for ash, should i get one for patti. she hates me 80% of the time but thats 20% less than usual. should i get one for laur since were getting along so good but would this freak her out?

fuck theo. he can get his own flowers. thats gay.

this holiday is like a psat question. sucks.

i think lauren and i might be speaking again.

and i think that's cool.

im gonna fail all of my exams today since all i can think ab is tryouts after school.

mark jaffe should be moved up to varsity since they need a shooting guard now and thats what he is. im not stupid i know im out of practice i wont make varsity. but i should make jv right? i know im good enough.

but what if they take one look at me and think that i suck balls. tat boy piercing boy emo boy. what if they think im whatever.

fuck it then. i can find another team. i will find a place to play. i will. if they want me then they want ME. eyeliner and all.

ive been thinking. i really havent done anything lately. and usually i guess i dont really care if i do or dont do shit but now i kinda do. not about everything but caring ab lauren...i dunno maybe i should care ab other things. not everything. somethings. bc caring ab lauren isnt pointless. wanting to kiss her isnt pointless. if we have sex, that wont be pointless. shes not pointless. ashley wasnt pointless ever but laurens my girlfriend and if we get more serious its not pointless. some things its not pointless to get serious about.

so then why cant i get serious ab basketball again.

its too late. the seasons already started and shit. its too late. but maybe i could join a gym or something and play with a club team. maybe. i dunno. i guess i should think ab it some more.

just that not everything sucks and falls apart right? yeah.

tomorrow are basketball tryouts. i almost signed up but then i didnt. i mean its pointless how much everybody cares. but i miss it. but im not so whatever. ill just shoot some hoops with theo thatll not be the same.

kissing lauren really rules.

i should have been doing this a while ago.

i heard mom and dad talking about me. about how i have these new friends with theo and lauren so maybe im getting over my antisocial teenager phase.

bc this is a phase. who i am is a phase.

fuck them. they dont know me. my friends do. thats why theyre my friends.

fighting the rents is pointless. theyll think what they want to think. the more they want me to change is the more that i will not change. its just worthless to pretend. they need to get over it.

i have.

the last time this happened it all ended happily. so i shouldnt worry about stacey bc shes going to be fine.

so why am i feeling like my stomach is made out of lead and i cant breathe?

for two years its only been me and ash.

and now its me and theo and me and lauren. but at rachels party it was me and theo and lauren all together. and not talking too.

and it felt--really cool. just real cool.